A Turn of Events

Disclaimer: Some parts of this blog entry sound really, really dire as I have re-read what I've written. Please know ahead of time that Todd is okay.....and will be okay! It's just going to take time.....



I've been meaning to update this blog for over a week, but haven't had time. We've had a turn of events concerning Todd's condition. I'm not even sure where to begin. Here's the story....

Last time I posted, Todd seemed to be slowly improving from his sacral fracture. However he still had a tremendous amount of hip pain and we couldn't figure out why. As you know, we had an appointment on Thursday, July 29th and that's where I left off.

Late Tuesday night (in the middle of the night and the day I posted the last entry), Todd woke up at around 5 am in worse pain than before. We thought at the time that he had just "slept weird." Wednesday was a really horrible day. The pain was very intense and excruciating. We knew he had an appt on Thursday, so we hoped we'd get more answers to the reason for his hip pain.

Todd's parents took him to the appointment. It was at 11:00 am. During the exam, the PA (physician's assistant) took more x-rays and looked at his MRI from 3 weeks earlier. When she looked at the films and saw how much pain he was in, she said to Todd, "Your pain is extremely disproportionate to what I see on this MRI. I think you have a hip infection." She told him he needed to go to the hospital immediately to have an "aspiration" done, which is where they draw fluid from the hip to determine whether or not there is infection. She said that if there was, they would need to do surgery right away to clean it out. This is called a "flush."

So, Todd and his parents headed to the hospital and had the test done (around 1:30 pm), which definitely indicated infection. So we knew he would need surgery right away. For some reason, the PA didn't have any luck contacting the surgeon directly for a smoother admit to the hospital, so they had to admit him through the ER. They did a CAT scan and took more x-rays while there. I contacted our home teacher and asked him to come up and give Todd a blessing before he went into surgery. He and Todd's Dad administered to him. It was a beautiful blessing. After that, Todd's Dad asked if I wanted one. For a split second, I started to deny the need for a blessing, but immediately broke down and humbly admitted that, yes, I would very much appreciate one. I couldn't even talk. I was vey choked up. It was also beauiful and a huge comfort to me. That blessing stayed with me for the many, hard days that followed.

The surgeon talked to us briefly before the surgery and said that it was quite possible he'd had the infection for most of July, and that if that was the case, probably a lot of damage had been done to his hip. This was not good news. Of course, they wouldn't know for sure just how much until they got in there.

Finally at 9:50 pm they took him into surgery. Todd's parents and my mom stayed with me the entire time. I will never forget their support. And I couldn't have done it without them. At roughly 11:45 pm, the surgeon came to report how the surgery went and the extent of his damage. It wasn't great news. Though the infection didn't seem to be in his bone, it did appear to have effected his cartilage. The surgery went well, but it was unclear at that time whether or not enough of the infection was cleaned out to make it a success. If not, there was a chance they would have to repeat the "flush." There was nothing to do but wait and see.

Todd was in the hospital for 4 days and progress was slow. His hip was still in tons of pain. He still had a fever off and on, but that was to be expected. The treatment for this infection didn't sound fun either. We were told that he would be on IV antibiotics for at least 6 weeks, every 8 hours through a picc line. These, we were told, would be administered by Todd himself, with my help. SCARY!! We were practically threatened to not miss a dose! We were told that Home Health Care would come to our house the first night and teach us how to do it, then for the next 6 weeks to draw blood, change dressings on the picc line, and monitor his condition. It was all very overwhelming and scary to us.

During the hospital stay, they ran tests on the bacteria. They determined it was a staph infection, but eventually verified it to be a "sensitive" bacteria. That was VERY GOOD news. That meant it was treatable and the success rate was high of getting rid of it.

Todd came home on Monday afternoon. Since then we have had 4 visits from the nurse (Home Health Care), a doctor's appt (that was today) and many, many doses of strong narcotics and IV antibiotics. Todd is still experiencing quite a bit of pain, but mostly from transitions. He has a hard time getting up and down from any given chair, but especially from the bed. That is the hardest transition for him.


This was a very serious infection (and still is) and roughly 50 % of people who have this type of infection do not survive in the beginning. The longer you wait to get it cleaned, the more critical it becomes. We are still very unclear how the infection started and there are a lot of unanswered questions. The possibility that Todd had this brewing for nearly a month is a testament that he is one lucky guy!

So these are the facts, pretty plain and simple. And this is where we are today. But here comes the emotional side of it all.

I'm not sure I can explain the fear that I had during the last week and a half (and still have on occasion). Coming home to an empty bedroom without the physical closeness of your spouse is a very strange and awful feeling. It is emotionally draining and lonely. I have never experienced this type of fear before. I have seen people around me suffer, yes. Even family close to me. But never my husband. I have not personally felt so alone in my life. The kind of loneliness you feel when you don't know if you can do it. You feel crushed, weighted down. Your whole soul aches to have peace and comfort. You don't know if you can wake up the next morning and face another day.

At times, I felt that despair very clearly and distinctly. It was during those times, I knelt in prayer and poured out my heart to my Heavenly Father. I begged for peace. I begged for the comfort I needed. One particular night when Todd was in the hospital, I literally sobbed on my knees for a long time. I poured out my fear and loneliness.

Eventually, I DID feel the comfort of the Holy Ghost and the loving arms of my Heavenly Father wrap me in His love. I DID feel peace, but I've got to admit, it was still so scary to trust. How was I going to endure these days while he was in the hopsital and be strong for my children? How was I going to do this alone? And was Todd really going to be okay? I was falling apart about every other day....

I've realized something more strongly than I've ever known before. I've always known that Heavenly Father is real. I've always known that He is there for us when we need Him. I've always known that our Savior is our eternal brother and friend, and that He guides us everyday. I've always known that we're not really ever alone.....But I can say now, even more determinedly, that we CAN'T survive this life on our own. We CAN'T do it alone. And we don't have to. Even though at times we feel VERY lonely, we do have help. Sometimes I think we think we are strong, but we are not strong by ourselves. The Lord makes us strong and helps us cope with hard things. He is the driving force behind our strength. He is the one who carries us when we cannot walk. When we cannot take one more step. He lifts us and holds us and gives us the power to carry on and survive.

He also places people in our lives who uplift and comfort us. Our family has been recipients of amazing service by loving, caring people who have made it clear to us that we are not alone! And that we don't have to do it alone. Nobody expects us to. And others are willing to help. I will never be able to give back to the people in my ward and our family enough to repay them for what they've done for us. On Sunday they held a special fast for my husband and our family. I have personally felt the prayers and concern in our behalf. I have been uplifted by their faith. Their strength has helped carry me and they have been powerful instruments in the Lord's hands. I will never forget their kindness and thoughtfulness. I can't put into words what they have done for our family and for me personally. I can only give back by serving others in return. And isn't that what it's all about?

Okay, this is getting really long....sorry. I've wanted to write down my feelings for a long time. Our trial is not over. Todd still has a rocky road of recovery ahead of him. Many things are uncertain for his future. If the antibiotic works well and is able to get rid of the infection (which we anticipate fully), it is still unclear what long-term damage he will have to his hip in his future. Worse case scenerio is a hip replacement down the road. Best case scenerio is he has no long-lasting effects and in this case we will have witnessed a miracle. But even so, I believe we've already been witness to a miracle. We finally found out about the infection, he came through the surgery, and is slowly progressing. That is a miracle in and of itself.

But here's another thing. Everyone experiences trials. No one is exempt from them. That's one thing we all have in common. They aren't all the same, but everyone knows heartache and fear. Everyone knows hardship. I have been extremely humbled by this experience and will forever be grateful, actually, for the perspective I've been given. Life is fragile and it's hard! It's meant to be lived and enjoyed and shared. But it isn't easy. There are no guarantees.....except for the BIG one. The one that we're promised if we live righteously. The one that changes lives. The one of eternal life. The atonement of Jesus Christ. That's the guarantee we have. Isn't it amazing and powerful?

Well, to make a long story short....HA! Here are a few pictures of what we've been seeing a lot of lately......

Supplies....


More supplies.....


Sodium Chloride. Todd has to use one of these before every antibiotic administration. It flushes the line....He also uses one after the antibiotic is over.....

Heparin flush. Todd uses this at the very end of the antibiotic administration....

The antibiotic. These are stored in our refrigerator.....we have roughly 40 of them right now in our fridge. When we first got them, Brandon looked in the fridge and said, "What are all those little water bottles for?" It was funny. "DON'T DRINK THEM!"

Close up of one of the antibiotic balls.....not sure of the correct medical term....

And finally, my sweetheart! Smiling for the camera because I made him. Probably not feeling like doing it, but glad he did.....for me. He's hooked up to the antibiotic in this picture.

I'll try to update little things here and there more frequently. If anything, just to have a record of events and feelings during this time.

We are okay! And Todd is making slow progress. He will heal and then we'll see what real damage has been done. Some days are harder than others. But we are optimistic. We know we are loved and we have felt many, many prayers from others. Our names have been in many, many temples throughout the state, and in some cases, out of state. We are thankful and grateful for the outpouring of love from countless friends and family. We have much to rejoice for. And many thanks to give.

This does not do justice for how we feel, but, once again.....thank you. thank you. thank you.